It's ok to cry. I have to tell myself that a lot. Give myself permission to cry.
What I'm going through is grief. I am grieving the loss of my marriage. My partner. My life as I knew it. That has been really hard to accept.
What was harder for me to even try to think about was my children are grieving too. They are suffering the same loss if not worse. In reality they've lost both of their parents. For half of their lives. Instead of spending their entire lives with mom and dad they are now forced to split their time, their lives between mom and dad. Never the two shall meet.
I tried for a long time not to cry in front of my kids. I know I have to be strong for them. I have to be. And that's true. But I also have to be human. I have to be real. And that means I have to grieve for my loss. Because it is my loss. But it's not just my loss. It's theirs too and we share it.
One night, after mediation I was empty. I was completely drained and nothing I could do or say would stop the tears from flowing. I went and picked up my kids from my parents and held them close. I thought I was good. I thought I was ok and wouldn't cry in front of them. But as I watched them take their shoes off and hang up their coats... I lost it. I could no longer keep up the front that I was OK.
The both ran to me and wrapped their arms around me. Asked me what was wrong. K even went and got me a Kleenex. How could I tell them I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let them down. These tiny humans that I gave birth too and love unconditionally... how could I tell them I was sorry I couldn't fix things.
But I didn't have to tell them anything other then "Mommy's having a really hard day. And that's ok. Sometimes, people just have bad days. Sometimes, people just need to cry so they can feel better." All they heard was "Mommy's having a hard day." And that's ok. They hugged me and told me they loved me. They kissed my entire face again and again. K even went up stairs and made my bed - just so I didn't have to.
These tiny humans are suffering too. And they see my suffering even if I try and hide it. By crying, by expressing my grief they know it's ok for them to do the same. I had heard that from several people but didn't believe them. Not until that night. Not until I held my babies close and cried openly for my loss. I hope that by being able to express my grief they can see it and understand it's ok for them to cry too.
It's not over. It's far from over. Grief comes in waves. Sometimes I'll be totally fine, and then suddenly I'm falling and the grief is so overwhelming I can hardly stand. But that's ok. That's normal.
It's ok to cry.