Tuesday, January 6, 2015

New year

It seems as though 2015 is going to be a big year. A year of change. A year of hope. A year of learning to get over the pain of 2014.

It's been so long since I've written I almost forgot what it was like to sit down and do this. But... a new year means I will do this.  My goal is every day. I will use this blog as a way to get over the pain that is in my heart, in my life and in my every waking moment.

You see this is the year my life changes. My life is now just mine.  Mine and my kids.  My husband and I are getting a divorce.  There are a myriad of reasons... all of which I'm sure over time I'll disclose. But for now, for the sake of my kids, I will not air my dirty laundry.  Instead I plan on using this platform as a way to heal and to grow. A way to better my life and learn how to move on from this devastating loss.

This is going to be a daily log of things I go through during the year. Things I learn and hopefully things others can learn.

To be clear, I did not want this divorce.  I never stopped loving my husband. I fought to save my marriage for over a year. But time has beaten me down. The constant struggle to maintain my normal in the face of the abnormal.... has finally broken me.  Finally made me realize at least one thing. My marriage is over.

Marriage is about giving 100%.  Each person brings 100% into it, your percentage doesn't just drop to 50% when you get married. That way you go through life with this extra percentage, this ability to count on someone else when you need them. That is the beauty of marriage, you have a partner who has committed themselves to you; and on days when you cannot, CANNOT, give 100%.... they are there to pick up that slack.  They are there to add that extra percentage, give you what you cannot fathom possible. Together you are 200%.

Partners can give 200% if needed. They can pick up the entire weight of the marriage, the family, the relationship; but only for a short period of time.  They cannot carry it for any duration.  We weren't made that way. We were made so that over time that percentage will fluctuate.  The ebb and tide will come and go but will ultimately balance itself out at 100% again.

I gave 200% for as long as I could.  There were days immediately following our separation, when I could barely manage the 100% that I am required to give for my kids. I know now I can give 100%. Without question, without fail and without any reservations, for my children. Each day can be a struggle, but a struggle I have come realize I am strong enough to handle.

I'm it. I'm the one. The only one. I wasn't sure I could do it at first.  Facing raising children alone. But since our separation a year ago the daily grind has become easier and easier. Admitting to myself I'm human and it's ok if I'm upset, has eased the ache in my heart just a bit.  Realizing that I no longer need someone next to me... has made facing my new reality easier.

Don't get me wrong.  It sucks.  It's really hard.  I long for the husband I married to come back to me. To love me the way he did the day we got married. To have him look at me the way he did when I first walked down that aisle, or had our first baby, or when he first saw me naked. That is what I have wanted for so long. It's hard to let that go. Hard to realize I have to move on. But I do. I have no choice.

One day I hope to look back at my marriage and know we were happy. To know that things happened for a reason. But the fog of 2014 is still lingering over me and right now... I cannot see that. I just have to have faith that one day I will find happiness again. One Day.

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